Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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