if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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