My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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