sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
