I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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