i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
