I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Randomize
