my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
