I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize