remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is wine microwaveable?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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