if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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