Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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