she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
