I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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