im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
the condom got lost in my hair
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
