good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize