Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
i think im in europe. pls send help
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
