She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Did we literally take a cab across the street
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
