I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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