His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
