Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize