Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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