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I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
