I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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