Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Randomize
