I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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