Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize