I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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