i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
foreskin is a definite game changer
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I AM VODKA MAN
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
