those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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