I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
