I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Randomize
