On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
