maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
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