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i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
