it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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