Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
