What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
