the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
