i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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