remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
