She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
