i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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