Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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