What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
