Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
