are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
