seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
