You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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