You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
