Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
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