You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
