You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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